As per the norm, I have not written in awhile. Updates: The pocketwatch and I are splitsville, second semester of college is in full swing, and I've grown closer to some old friends.
I'm sure some of you are wondering what happened to the boyfriend, so I'll amuse you. Essentially I made the relationship look more glamorous than it really was. There were lots of big problems I hid from my family and friends, and I reached a point where I was incredibly fed up. For... ever, the pocketwatch has been the butt of jokes, the point of ridicule, and the object of bullies everywhere. When he messed up, I didn't want anyone to know because I was on a mission to make him look as saintly as possible. I wanted people to know that they were wrong about him; he was a good person. In some ways, they were wrong. Lots of people mistook him for a pompous, self-absorbed, asshole. While the external looked that way, his heart was (in some facets) in the right place. Where it was lacking, he was searching for what was right. I had hoped by putting my trust in him as my boyfriend, others would see that there was good and great good in him. Some saw what I saw, others held on to their misinformed misassumptions. I would like to say that the nay-sayers were entirely wrong, but if that were true, he would still be my significant other. The biggest problems lived within three areas of our relationship: 1. Boundaries. As much as I tried to make it clear that my boundaries were to be regarded as holy law, they were pushed and broken on many occasions. 2. Healthful communication. Instead of being polite, loving, and courteous when he had a problem with me, it would often come out all at once in a burst of anger bordering on the abusive. Frequently he would yell at me for things that should have been insignificant. 3. Spiritual walk. I've recognized now that I need a MAN that is going to lead me to God, not to himself. You would be hard pressed to find a situation in which his spiritual advice was not for his own benefit. I realize this may have started to sound whiny or bitter, but let me be clear, I want to let you know what went wrong so that you can avoid these mistakes in your own relationships. I also want to give you hope. He is not a bad person. There are lots of people like him. However, he is in no way ready to be someone's boyfriend/fiancé/husband. So yes, ladies, you can be friends with boys like this, just recognize that he is still a boy, not a man. It's possible I'll expand on this topic later, as I have much to say regarding the subject, however I feel moving on is appropriate.
COLLEGE! Ladies and gentlemen, get ready for the most stressful time of your life. You thought Junior year was difficult? But consider the fact that you knew where you were going to school the next year, you were living at home with gas, food, clothes, insurance, electricity, water, and other various necessities paid for (or at least most of those things)... for free. The adult life is a heartless fiend and you will most likely feel as crazy as I do. But the best thing you can do is to be prepared. In my recent comings and goings, this topic has been beat to death, so I'll make this brief. 1. Learn how to manage your time as soon as possible. If you can do this well, college will be 75% easier than what I've expressed. 2. Know how much money you spend on everything. Make a budget. 3. Find a support group. There are few things more stressful than being overwhelmed with homework, working every day, and not having people to cuddle with, worship with, and cry with. Get those things down, and in college life you will live like a king. (Or as close to a King as you can making minimum wage.) Moving ON!!! To my most favorite part of my life right now, NEW OLD FRIENDS!!!
I was looking through my old posts to see if I had assigned either of these gentlemen a handle, but I have not. For distinguishing factors, until I can think of appropriate nick names for the two, one is my big brother, ancient ex-boyfriend, first love, best friend, SANCHO PANZA!!! That's what he is. He's my Sancho Panza. If you don't understand my reference, read Don Quixote. The other is... wow. Well really so many things to me. The first friend I made in Colorado, my first real guy-friend, my longest crush, the best playmate I had as a kid, backup when middle school got rough, a drawing/journaling buddy, a family friend, my 'arranged' husband, someone I would trust with my life... the list is nearly infinite. It's difficult to assign him a name, his fits him so perfectly. I suppose, for now, I will refer to him simply as asssssssss aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssssssssss....ladies and gentlemen, I was hoping that in writing that sentence, something profound and fitting would come to mind, but I am at a loss. Until something better strikes my fancy, he will just be 'the other one'. Sancho Panza and the other one. Anyhow, I've known Sancho Panza since I was in the 6th grade, and the other one since I was 8 years old. I haven't had a very complicated past with the other one, we've just always been really great friends. However, Sancho Panza and I have had a complicated relationship that I feel needs explaining.
Sooooo in about 6th grade, I met him very briefly in front of his home room class and that was the extent of my knowledge of him until 7th grade when he played saxophone and my best friend used to tell me stories of how obnoxious he was. 8th grade was when we really became friends. I'm not really sure when or how he started hanging out with my group of friends, but one day he was just there. And he was the obnoxious, awkward, loner and I, of course, was incredibly drawn to him. You know I was gonna drag this out and go into detail about how we got to where we are today, but for the sake of posterity, I'll give you the Spark Note's version of the story. Starting in November of 8th grade, Sancho and I started dating and we had a thing for the next year and 4 months. It ended poorly and for the next two and a half years I hung onto the feelings I had for him. In that time I would talk to him occasionally and he would be very mean to me, or he would manipulate me into thinking he still cared for me. I stopped having amorous feelings for him in about mid-junior year. Then, later in the year, we started talking again and he was still in a really bad place emotionally. I talked to him off and on until senior year when we began to talk in earnest again. Throughout all this, I never stopped caring for him. For reasons I don't understand, even in the times I didn't hear from him, he was always so so important to me. After we graduated, he got saved and his life did a 180. I can really only amount it to God's power. Now we hang out and goof around usually just walk around Wal-Mart and talk about life and love and happiness and then the Holy Ghost (Audio Adrenaline- House Plant Song). He's pretty great and he's like the big brother I never got to have. I can't see myself ever being with him again, but I really hope that I get to be a part of the rest of his life. Also, since he doesn't go to school, or work, I hang out with him a lot and I will probably mention him in the posts to come. Now, a bit of background about the other one.
The other one was the first guy I met when I came to this lovely state. And, in my eyes, he was the most drop-dead-gorgeous guy I had ever met. Aside from that, I can't remember having more fun playing with anyone else when I was little. He was great at pretend. We went to school together from 4th to 8th grade, and then in high school, he switched schools to play basketball. Of course I was a bit heartbroken to see my best friend move away, but it really was for the best. Basketball is his passion and he wouldn't have been nearly as happy playing at my school. Throughout high school we talked some, and hung out rarely. The times we did talk though, were always very special. We've never been the type of friends to spend too much time on cordialities. If there was ever something big going on, we would talk about it, and if I'm really honest here, he's often been the one person in my life that is the least judgmental of my decisions and mistakes. That's not to say that he doesn't tell me when he thinks something is a bad idea, but he has always been very loving about it. There is just so much to say about him. But, because this has been a steady descent into cheesy and sappy, I'm gonna stop here. However, before I end, I've thought of a name. He is the Tortoise. Wise, gentle, and beautiful. Alright, now I'm very done.
As always, I'm praying for you all and I hope that your heart is safe.
With Easter eggs and indie films,
Helena
