Don't Worry About It

As per the norm, I have not written in awhile. Updates: The pocketwatch and I are splitsville, second semester of college is in full swing, and I've grown closer to some old friends.

I'm sure some of you are wondering what happened to the boyfriend, so I'll amuse you. Essentially I made the relationship look more glamorous than it really was. There were lots of big problems I hid from my family and friends, and I reached a point where I was incredibly fed up. For... ever, the pocketwatch has been the butt of jokes, the point of ridicule, and the object of bullies everywhere. When he messed up, I didn't want anyone to know because I was on a mission to make him look as saintly as possible. I wanted people to know that they were wrong about him; he was a good person. In some ways, they were wrong. Lots of people mistook him for a pompous, self-absorbed, asshole. While the external looked that way, his heart was (in some facets) in the right place. Where it was lacking, he was searching for what was right. I had hoped by putting my trust in him as my boyfriend, others would see that there was good and great good in him. Some saw what I saw, others held on to their misinformed misassumptions. I would like to say that the nay-sayers were entirely wrong, but if that were true, he would still be my significant other. The biggest problems lived within three areas of our relationship: 1. Boundaries. As much as I tried to make it clear that my boundaries were to be regarded as holy law, they were pushed and broken on many occasions. 2. Healthful communication. Instead of being polite, loving, and courteous when he had a problem with me, it would often come out all at once in a burst of anger bordering on the abusive. Frequently he would yell at me for things that should have been insignificant. 3. Spiritual walk. I've recognized now that I need a MAN that is going to lead me to God, not to himself. You would be hard pressed to find a situation in which his spiritual advice was not for his own benefit. I realize this may have started to sound whiny or bitter, but let me be clear, I want to let you know what went wrong so that you can avoid these mistakes in your own relationships. I also want to give you hope. He is not a bad person. There are lots of people like him. However, he is in no way ready to be someone's boyfriend/fiancé/husband. So yes, ladies, you can be friends with boys like this, just recognize that he is still a boy, not a man. It's possible I'll expand on this topic later, as I have much to say regarding the subject, however I feel moving on is appropriate.

COLLEGE! Ladies and gentlemen, get ready for the most stressful time of your life. You thought Junior year was difficult? But consider the fact that you knew where you were going to school the next year, you were living at home with gas, food, clothes, insurance, electricity, water, and other various necessities paid for (or at least most of those things)... for free. The adult life is a heartless fiend and you will most likely feel as crazy as I do. But the best thing you can do is to be prepared. In my recent comings and goings, this topic has been beat to death, so I'll make this brief. 1. Learn how to manage your time as soon as possible. If you can do this well, college will be 75% easier than what I've expressed. 2. Know how much money you spend on everything. Make a budget. 3. Find a support group. There are few things more stressful than being overwhelmed with homework, working every day, and not having people to cuddle with, worship with, and cry with. Get those things down, and in college life you will live like a king. (Or as close to a King as you can making minimum wage.) Moving ON!!! To my most favorite part of my life right now, NEW OLD FRIENDS!!!

I was looking through my old posts to see if I had assigned either of these gentlemen a handle, but I have not. For distinguishing factors, until I can think of appropriate nick names for the two, one is my big brother, ancient ex-boyfriend, first love, best friend, SANCHO PANZA!!! That's what he is. He's my Sancho Panza. If you don't understand my reference, read Don Quixote. The other is... wow. Well really so many things to me. The first friend I made in Colorado, my first real guy-friend, my longest crush, the best playmate I had as a kid, backup when middle school got rough, a drawing/journaling buddy, a family friend, my 'arranged' husband, someone I would trust with my life... the list is nearly infinite. It's difficult to assign him a name, his fits him so perfectly. I suppose, for now, I will refer to him simply as asssssssss aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssssssssss....ladies and gentlemen, I was hoping that in writing that sentence, something profound and fitting would come to mind, but I am at a loss. Until something better strikes my fancy, he will just be 'the other one'. Sancho Panza and the other one. Anyhow, I've known Sancho Panza since I was in the 6th grade, and the other one since I was 8 years old. I haven't had a very complicated past with the other one, we've just always been really great friends. However, Sancho Panza and I have had a complicated relationship that I feel needs explaining.

Sooooo in about 6th grade, I met him very briefly in front of his home room class and that was the extent of my knowledge of him until 7th grade when he played saxophone and my best friend used to tell me stories of how obnoxious he was. 8th grade was when we really became friends. I'm not really sure when or how he started hanging out with my group of friends, but one day he was just there. And he was the obnoxious, awkward, loner and I, of course, was incredibly drawn to him. You know I was gonna drag this out and go into detail about how we got to where we are today, but for the sake of posterity, I'll give you the Spark Note's version of the story. Starting in November of 8th grade, Sancho and I started dating and we had a thing for the next year and 4 months. It ended poorly and for the next two and a half years I hung onto the feelings I had for him. In that time I would talk to him occasionally and he would be very mean to me, or he would manipulate me into thinking he still cared for me. I stopped having amorous feelings for him in about mid-junior year. Then, later in the year, we started talking again and he was still in a really bad place emotionally. I talked to him off and on until senior year when we began to talk in earnest again. Throughout all this, I never stopped caring for him. For reasons I don't understand, even in the times I didn't hear from him, he was always so so important to me. After we graduated, he got saved and his life did a 180. I can really only amount it to God's power. Now we hang out and goof around usually just walk around Wal-Mart and talk about life and love and happiness and then the Holy Ghost (Audio Adrenaline- House Plant Song). He's pretty great and he's like the big brother I never got to have. I can't see myself ever being with him again, but I really hope that I get to be a part of the rest of his life. Also, since he doesn't go to school, or work, I hang out with him a lot and I will probably mention him in the posts to come. Now, a bit of background about the other one.

The other one was the first guy I met when I came to this lovely state. And, in my eyes, he was the most drop-dead-gorgeous guy I had ever met. Aside from that, I can't remember having more fun playing with anyone else when I was little. He was great at pretend. We went to school together from 4th to 8th grade, and then in high school, he switched schools to play basketball. Of course I was a bit heartbroken to see my best friend move away, but it really was for the best. Basketball is his passion and he wouldn't have been nearly as happy playing at my school. Throughout high school we talked some, and hung out rarely. The times we did talk though, were always very special. We've never been the type of friends to spend too much time on cordialities. If there was ever something big going on, we would talk about it, and if I'm really honest here, he's often been the one person in my life that is the least judgmental of my decisions and mistakes. That's not to say that he doesn't tell me when he thinks something is a bad idea, but he has always been very loving about it. There is just so much to say about him. But, because this has been a steady descent into cheesy and sappy, I'm gonna stop here. However, before I end, I've thought of a name. He is the Tortoise. Wise, gentle, and beautiful. Alright, now I'm very done.

As always, I'm praying for you all and I hope that your heart is safe.
With Easter eggs and indie films,
Helena

Ninos and military life

Guatemala, as always, was amazing. The children taught me so much and encouraged my soul beyond belief. I would write more about that, but it's not really what's on my mind today, and what is a blog good for except to document your thoughts?
Yesterday the pocketwatch left for Marine's boot camp in San Diego. Needless to say, I miss him like hell. After I got home yesterday from a loooong day of Mr. and Mrs. Pocketwatch talking non-stop about what a stubborn/miracle/cute kid he was, I laid down and watched some Netflix (NERTFLERX!!!). The evening went on, in an average manner, and my mom and I went to pick up my car from the car repair shop (I would explain what was wrong, but I will avoid such nonsense as to avoid boring you to death). While I was driving home, I got a call, but my phone was on silent and I missed it. Normally a missed call wouldn't be a big deal, but it turns out this was a call from the pocketwatch, from a pay phone, in the airport. I couldn't call him back, and the message he left went something like this: "Hey Honey, I'm just calling you from a free pay phone in the airport, I was hoping to get to talk to you for the last time for the next three months."
What resulted next was probably the combination of exhaustion and genuine sorrow. I sobbed for a solid 45 minutes. My sweet brother came in and gave me his handkerchief to wipe my snot and runny makeup on, and he sat next to me while I wept like a child who just lost their first dog.
Ah the delights of being a military girl friend.
I suppose all is well now though. I stopped crying last night, spent some time with my babe of a best friend, cleaned my room, and wrote the pocketwatch a letter. Everyone keeps telling me how fast three months will go by, but it's hard to accept those words of encouragement unless someone has experienced it for themselves. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Time for class now. I'll probably blog more later. Maybe not. I'm not promising anything. Actually, I probably will. I have exciting news concerning my career.
Stay beautiful,
Helena

A Wedding, and a Country

Dear darlings,
Friends, Roamers, country folk: I'm going to Guatemala! Again. I have so much to write, but I'm leaving in about two minutes. I will update and write when I get back, because I guarantee I'm going to have buckets of stories to tell. I really should blog more...I think I will. I'll make a middle-of-the-year-resolution: blog more. Ok, that's all. Now I need to make like a baby and head out!! Hehehe...gross. :)
Love, Helena Bulena

Gall Bladder

It's been awhile since I last wrote because I started a post a few weeks ago, and I never finished it. It was very sad, and I'm not going to burden you guys with it.
Lets see....lately, we got a new dog named Macy, my sister had her gall bladder removed, my grandma is in town visiting to see my performance of Arsenic and Old Lace. So far, so good. My sister is in recovery, as of an hour ago, and Macy is a little bit of a hellion. She keeps chewing things up, and she isn't even a puppy. She is three. Anyways, I had a dream the other day that I had two left feet because I had my right leg amputated, and they gave me another left foot. Then, last night, I had a dream I was missing three fingers. Two on my right hand and one on my left. I'm not sure what my subconscious is trying to tell me....anywho, I am going out to lunch with my Mugga and my brother and the pocket watch, and I bid you adu.
Love,
Helena

For Those in Connecticut

To the Mommies and Daddies:

I'm sorry your little angels were lost amongst the other Christmas ornaments that make your life beautiful.

I'm sorry that the presents, still tucked away in your closets, are sharp reminders of what is gone.

I'm sorry that Christmas morning will be quiet.

I'm sorry that there is an extra stocking hanging on your mantle, that won't be filled.

I'm sorry that the dinner reservation was for one more.

I'm sorry that one who gave you life, lost life.

To the Husbands and Wives:

I'm sorry that there is a cold spot on the bed where there wasn't one before.

I'm sorry that there is an extra pillow.

I'm sorry that the Christmas Eve service will be short one voice singing 'Good tidings of great joy...'

I'm sorry that one who gave you life, lost life. 

To the friends and family:

I'm sorry there is extra time in your schedual.

I'm sorry that there are extra Christmas desserts laying around that never got given away. 

I'm sorry that there is an extra name in your address book.

I'm sorry that one who gave you life, lost life.

To the grief-stricken and mourning:

You are not forgotten.

You are not alone.

You are remembered with great admiration, knowing that there are some, this season, that are far stronger that us.

You are in our hearts and prayers.

You are the burden that we accept with open arms.

You are those who remind us how precious life is.

You are the ones we cry for on Christmas Eve.

You are the ones we light a candle for.

--By (Me) Helena Elise

Jingle Bells I Guess

I have so very many things to write about today! 
So, starting from the least recent news, the pocketwatch is officially enlisted in the marines. :) Everyone keeps asking me the same questions about it, so in the interest of expediency, I will answer them for you. 1) Yes, I am scared that he is going to be a marine, BUT he is going to work in intel probably, so no fighting for him. 2) Our plans as far as being away from each other for a few months on account of boot camp are as follows: we will stay together unless we feel lead to do otherwise. 3) Yes, I do want him to go into the marines because it will be a good start to being an adult, and the rewards of being in the military are very great. Moving on.
I've found myself very conflicted about some certain moral issues lately. Things that aren't explicitly stated in the good word are the things I am having trouble figuring out. I'm not sure why I mentioned that, since I've just decided that I don't particularly want to write about political issues on my blog. On that note, I am going to talk about something different now. 
So there is this boy at school, and he is a nice guy, just awkward. Well, for awhile now, he has been hitting on me, if you will, and so finally I called it enough. I told him politely that I wasn't sure if his intentions were to hit on me or not, but that I have a boyfriend with whom I am very happy with, and that I would appreciate it if he would back off. I was also sure to mention that I am glad we are friends and he is a nice guy. Well, now he is avoiding me like the plague. I'm glad he has backed off, but I think I may have hurt his feelings, and I know that if I try to 'fix' things and apologize, he will probably go back to doing the same things he was before. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I feel stuck. Anyways, since I am in a sort of grid-lock, I will talk about something else.
My oldest sister has a boyfriend. :) I am so so so very excited for her, because he loves the good lord, and he loves kids. My nephew seems to like him a lot, which is good since that is almost the deciding factor. Also, he already told her that he was looking at rings! And, he sings. Look him up! (Kyle Talbert) Ok, well I don't really know what else to say except that. I am so excited. :)
Today my nephew and my oldest sister are over at our house. We are all waiting for my other older sister to come home from college. My nephew told me some really hilarious things today. First, he explained to me that him and his girlfriend broke up. Oh, I should mention, he is 5 and in kindergarten. He said they broke up because they were always fighting. I asked him what they were fighting about, and he went on to explain that they couldn't agree on which game was the best-stars or puppies. So they broke up. My sister said he came home and cried that day. Oh how I wish I could tell him that was the worst break-up he will ever go through.  Poor little soul. Next, I was helping him put on his shoes so he could go on a walk, and I told him he needed to learn how to put on his shoes by himself. He told me he couldn't, since he is not in shoe class. Bless his heart. :) Today he also told me that our tree is more beautiful than his tree because his ornaments are just regular. My sister was offended. That is the bulk of the adorable things he said today. 
I believe I have come to the end of all the new things I had to tell you. Oh! Wait. One more thing, my acting partner and I are doing very well in speech and debate and he is the best duo partner ever. And the bestest best friend. He is also very smart about mixing coffee and creamer. Yup. That's it. 

Love and gingerbread frosting,
Helena
p.s. that last one was for you holdie

μηφυναι &c

It's been awhile since I've written, but I just added my blog to my facebook info and I figure if any stalkers see it, they should have something recent to read.
I am in Texas, visiting my older sister, and I have three things to say about it: 1) it's really humid here 2) everyone is nicer here...probably cause they have more oxygen... 3) I've decided this is my second favorite state.
Moving on, I don't exactly have anything to write about today. But! I will ramble, in the interest of keeping you entertained. Oh my goodness, I DO have something for you. If I can find it, there is a letter that one of my most favorite authors, Edward Lear, that he composed for a newborn baby girl. It is so very sweet and inspirational that it must be shared!
 Ah!!! I found it. I may not be able to get the full version, but the bulk of it is able to be shared.

Here it is:

My dear little tiny child,
You will forgive my familiar mode of addressing you, because, you know, -you have as yet got no Christian name-;-& to say 'my dear Miss Decie' would be as much too formal, as 'my dear Decie' would be too rude. But as your Grandmama has written to me that you are just born I will congratulate you, & possibly this is one of the first letters you have as yet received. One of the old Greek Tragedians says- and I am sure you will not think me impertinent in translating what he says- μηφυναι &c because there has not been time hitherto to buy you a Greek Dictionary, (& I feel sure you cannot read Sophocles with-out, -besides, the Dictionaries are so fat & heavy I am certain you could not use them comfortably to yourself & your nurse,) -μηφυναι &c- which means 'it is better never to have [been] born at all, or if born, -to die as soon as possible.' But this I wholly dissent from: & on the contrary I congratulate you heartily on coming into a world where if we look for it there is far more good & pleasure than we can use up - even in the longest life. And you in particular will find that you have - all quite without any of your own exertions - a mother & a father, - a grandmother and grandfather, - some uncles, -an extremely merry brother (who propels himself along the floor like a compasses,) a conservatory, & a croquet ground, & a respectable old cove who is very fond of small children & will give you an Alphabet bye & bye. -I there-fore advise you to live & laugh as long you can for your own pleasure, & and that of all your belongings.
Please tell your Grandmama that I also wished to stop when the carriage passed but couldn't- & say also, that I will write to her shortly. And now my dear you have read enough for the present. Good night, & believe me,
Your affte. old friend
         Edward Lear.
Give my love to your Papa & Mama


Oh my dear Mr. Lear. You are fantastic. I love the part about finding love and pleasure in life. Ok, I am done for now.
Until next time,
Plumbs and figgy pudding,
Helena